buffynerdgirl loves you

So a lady friend proposed the age-old question regarding awesome female superheroes and the lacking of.  Having just ranted at length about the fallacy of Sucker Punch and after spending last night dressed like this:

I reached the conclusion that Mother Monster herself, Lady Gaga, is in fact a modern, badass female superhero.  Bonus points for being nonfictional.

Say what you will about her songs, her posturing, her outrageousness or her originality.  Everything that has ever been done has been done before and will be done again, and better.  That’s not the point.  Lady Gaga is not just a pop star or a performer, she IS the performance.  She has created an entire existance around her music, her art and her vision.  She has abandoned Clark Kent and decided to be Super(wo)man 24/7.  Alter egos are for cowards and Gaga is no coward.

Despite her bravery, she has the kind of origin story that’s just as good as Peter Parker’s.  Teased and bullied in school for being “too _______”, Gaga found within herself the power of performance.  She built a stage, recruited Little Monsters, and reclaimed her too muchness for the power of good.  Aside from being a strong advocate and ally for the LGBT community, she is a reminder for all of us freaks, geeks, weirdos and crazies that we are not alone and that we are loved.  Can’t think of any superheroes that could pull off that shit.

Several times throughout her set last night she told us how gorgeous we were, how amazing we were and how honored and blessed she is to have us on her side.  She said that if she could give it all away and still keep her Little Monters, she would.  She said that the Monster Ball was a place where we could fully and truly be ourselves.  And that we could create a world where the Monster Ball was all the time - a world where we could be genuine, be safe.  That if we could make a superstar out of her, then we could make superstars out of ourselves.  That we were on the right track, baby.  That we were Born This Way.

I believe her.

Had your fill of scathing reviews of Zach Snyder’s Sucker Punch yet?  Clearly not since you’re still reading this.  Also, spoiler alert (but you seriously shouldn’t care).

Sucker Punch was a particularly somber piece of film and yet here I am one week later still thinking about it.  Intrusive thoughts, anger, nightmares, heightened startle response, internet rants about misogyny….am I having post traumatic stress?

Ok so let’s get started at the beginning, where all little films that could gain buzz and pre-release hype: advertising.  Comic Con 2010 had a little panel for the film featuring Zach Snyder and many of the “badass babes” “starring” in the “movie”.   People then proceeded to put their feet in their mouths during this and say the following bullshit (quotations added, for emphasis of bullshit):

• It would be great without any of the “action”
• That each character’s “dance moves” are “important” and “integral” to their “personas” 
• Snyder was credited for creating “multi-dimensional women” and he “writes awesome characters” for women to “play”
• Sucker Punch is like Alice in Wonderland meets One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Ok, whatever.  Then the promo shots start coming out and if you were to take a gander at the poster above you might think it’s a a bit hypersexualized but really what isn’t these days and at least these women have mastered robotics.  You will be unprepared for just how far women have come in shattering the technological glass ceiling.

Now, notice the promo shot below.

Holy shit that’s Vanessa Hudgens pretending to be Ramona Flowers.  That’s deserving of some side eye, don’t you think? 

And then they went and gave Jena Malone THE WORST hair and accessories.

Totally.  And isn’t that the girl from The Real World: San Diego?  She fights via lollipop power (oral fixations make boys nervous and compliant!).

Left to right: “Amber” from Sucker Punch, Robin (she punched a Marine in PB or something!), Braaaaaaad NO!, Cameran (she said that thing about Brad, it was funny for a few seconds), Randy (I don’t remember anything about him….), Jacquese (He and “Amber” had a ‘Let’s be chill watch these white people act crazy’ approach to the show), Frankie (she died of cystic fibrosis, that was sad), Charlie (or is that Randy?? I don’t remember anything about either of those boys).

Back to that promo shot - notice how behind all of these scantily clad soldier ladies there is….an old dude.  Wait, he’s not like some “Wise Man” who serves as a guide to give the ladies vague instructions, is he? 

Facepalm.

Anyway, then I go to see the movie and I’m more than willing to give it a shot, Jon Bon Jovi style.  I mean, 300 and Watchmen were rad.  And I didn’t see that owl movie but neither did anyone else so we can all pretend that it never happened.  Either way I had faith that this movie was actually going to be visually stunning and a compellingly written story about women kicking ass and fighting back and starting a revolution.  Sigh.  Even the soundtrack wasn’t original material.

In conclusion, I have questions:

1. How is it OK that Babydoll is named Babydoll and is clearly infantilizing female sexuality? Chris Hansen wants you to have a seat right over there…
2. Why couldn’t Babydoll have come up with this plan on her own?  Did she HAVE to have some old man explain it to her?  Where’s the empowerment in that?
3. So Babydoll creates a fantasy world to escape the mental institution.  OK.  And in that fantasy world her and her fellow inmates are….forcibly prostituted (read: RAPED A WHOLE BUNCH)?  What?  
4. And in that fantasy world, Babydoll’s most significant contribution is her ability to strip?  She has to delve one fantasy world deeper in order to learn choreographed fight sequences?  Ugh.
5. And about those fight sequences, I get that the women HAVE to be sexualized in order for them to be appealing to mass audiences (because seriously, ladies, if you aren’t masturbation fodder then you aren’t worth much) but can’t they at least break a sweat when fighting?  Maybe have their hair get a bit tousled?  A scratch?  A grunt?  An expression of….anything?
6. Babydoll’s true liberation was her lobotomy.  She had to become totally brain dead in order to make a difference.  Come again?  Is martyrdom the only way to bring about change?
7. Even after Babydoll’s martyrdom, JON HAMM turns out to be the real hero of the story.  Because he noticed a forged signature.  Seriously??
8. Rocket and Sweet Pea were the only “interesting characters” in the bunch - why couldn’t we have learned more about them?  Why did Rocket leave home?  Why did Sweet Pea follow?  How did they both end up there?  
9. So, rape.  Having sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you.  How is that sexy?
10. I miss Buffy.  That’s not really a question, but is it too much to ask for some well-rounded, complex and actually badass female sheroes for me to relate to?  Women who have, y’know, thoughts and desires and the ability to make plans?  There, I made it a question.

And then after a whole bunch of posturing and asking some lame ass questions about monsters and death and keys, we’re left with one final statement - nay, command: 

It’s you.  You have all the weapons you need.  Now fight.

Yes, weapons.  Like skin.  And breasts.  Hips, ass, wide-eyed empty expressions, revealing outfits, stripping and the plans THEY give you.  Use those weapons.  But not too strenuously cause then you won’t look pleasing to them anymore.  And don’t use those weapons against THEM!  At least not in the real world.  No, make up some fake steampunk zombies and fight those.  And actually, most of you are going to die anyway, so really why bother?

Since I’m clearly the expert on dating and the art of seduction I thought it might be helpful for all you lonely losers to read some tips on getting that Nerd Girl to be all up ons you.  Feel free to print this out and carry it in your wallet right next to the condom you better have cause I ain’t tryin to pay $20 a month for birth control AND be expected to have condoms, shoot.

1.  Don’t let a Nerd Girl’s pop culture references fall flat.

Most of us are patient, understanding people and we really want to forgive the fact that you’ve never seen Mean Girls or can’t identify mutants on an X-Men family tree.  But when it comes down to it we are totally judging you for not understanding what we mean when we say “CHAAAAALIE, we’ve got to save the baybee!”  Obviously you are not a golfer.  If a Nerd Girl has in fact spoken in a language you don’t understand, use it as an opportunity to show how open you are to exploring your own nerdom.  For example, the next time a Nerd Girl drops some sweet quotage in your lap and you’re not getting it, speak up.  Don’t smile and nod, just say “I don’t get it.”  And when a Nerd Girl responds with a scathing, “Duh, it’s from Battlestar Galactica!  You’ve never seen Battlestar Galactica?! What the frak!” be prepared to say, “No, but I’ve always been curious!  Want to watch it with me?”.  Not only does this show to a Nerd Girl that you are down to expand your horizons but it also provides ample opportunity for more hangouts and, y’know, sex.

2.  On that note, recognize that Nerd Girls are not turned on by the same stuff as everyone else.

So when you go over to a Nerd Girl’s house to watch Battlestar Galactica for the first time and after the first couple episodes you say, “Wow this show is awesome!  I can’t believe I had never seen it before!” she will be very aroused.  Bonus points for making an effort to explore her media collection.  Nerd Girls are way into like mindedness and if you also happen to own the Lord of the Rings trilogy in theatrical release AND extended edition then you are probably in. 

3.  Nerd Girls are not “cool” people (duh).  But Nerd Girls are also uninterested in being fetishized for it.

The last thing a Nerd Girl wants is some bridge-and-tunnel juicehead all up in her space talking about how awesome Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was.  Nerd Girls are not your one-time escape from the norm, nor are they your dirty little secret.  Nerd Girls are a lifestyle, not an experiment. 

4. Expect to spend a lot of time in front of screens and be really psyched about it.

Any Nerd Girl is gonna be in her element in front of a television, computer or movie screen.  Yeah we like to get out every once in a while but we know we’re going to learn a whole lot about you by observing your reactions to Firefly (and yes, you’re being tested).  If movie marathons on a Saturday night sounds like a missed opportunity to beat some beats then perhaps a Nerd Girl isn’t for you.

5.  Nerd Girls do on occasion socialize - with other nerds.  Be prepared.

When you meet a Nerd Girl’s Nerd Posse, all the rules still apply.  Your Nerd Girl’s friends will probably be determining whether you are good for her based on whether you are a Luke or a Han.  Now the concern isn’t actually whether you are Luke or a Han but that you can identify with either character accurately based on your vast knowledge of their personality traits.  See what I’m saying?

6.  Err on the side of nontraditional.

When it comes to going out on dates, a Nerd Girl may be unimpressed with the ordinary.  Try taking her to a trivia night, a sci-fi themed art show or the local independent theater’s tribute to zombie cinema.  Try to avoid places with many screens playing sports - Nerd Girls love screens, but not usually when there are sports on them.  If having drinks, take her somewhere that caters to the weirds of the world.  In other words, no jello shots and no Miller Lite on tap.  Think outside the box, people.

7.  Don’t be a douchebag.

This one is pretty obvious but think about it, chances are a Nerd Girl was tormetened during her adolescence by her peers and is not interested in hanging around with the older versions of those people.  Avoid making derogatory comments about crazy people, weird people and awkward people.  It seems like common sense but a Nerd Girl is likely to take these comments personally.

8. Don’t reminisce about how awesome YOUR adolesence was.

This seems obvious too but a Nerd Girl doesn’t want to hear about how much fun you had in high school and that you were captain of the _______ team and in the homecoming court every year.  This is only going to place you into the category of the aforementioned people who made fun of her.  Instead, talk about your own embarassing or awkward moments because chances are she is going to seriously relate to that stuff.

9. You will probably come second place to certain nerd activities.  Don’t take it personally.

A Nerd Girl is likely to dedicate vast amounts of time to doing nerd things and you may feel jilted.  The important thing is to support your Nerd Girl in all of her nerd endeavors and to not make her feel guilty for choosing to blog over hang out with you.  Remember: a Nerd Girl has always and will always be a Nerd Girl and THAT is where her loyalties will lie.

10. Have a sense of humor and don’t be afraid to embarass yourself in public.

Sometimes Nerd Girls will completely say/do the wrong thing in public and you have to be willing to a) stand behind her and b) be included in the embarassment.  Don’t exclude a Nerd Girl from social activities on the grounds that she might act like a weirdo and be awkward.   Additionally, many Nerd Girls are way into cosplay and may want to dress up as Rogue and Gambit for Halloween.  It’s called compromise.

Now go out there and win over some reluctant Nerd Girls with your wit, charm and spontaneity.  If it’s a world you haven’t explored yet, give it a shot.  Trust when I say Nerd Girls are where it’s at.  Once you go nerd, you’ll never go back to the herd.

God that was a stretch.

It is entirely possible to create clever and intelligent film/television about aliens (The X-Files, District 9).  It’s even possible to make ‘stupid’ alien movies that are stylish (The Faculty), have a sense of humor (Starship Troopers) and stellar ensemble casting (Mars Attacks!).  But instead we mostly have bad movies made worse by aliens (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull) or movies made from great source material that leave out aliens altogether in exchange for simpler resolutions (Watchmen).  It seems like aliens have been relegated to being destroyers of Earth by way of explosions! and fire! and technology! (Independence Day, Battle: Los Angeles, Skyline) but what about aliens who destroy from within via manipulation and, like, spying and sleeper agents and stuff (V)?  Or aliens who are just looking for a good time (Paul)?  Or aliens that just want to go home (E.T.)?  How speciesist of us to assume that aliens are showoffs and gun-happy.  Aliens deserve better.  WE deserve better!

So, writers and directors and studio executives and such, listen up.  Make more smart alien flicks, more compelling science fiction.  And the rest of you, try suspending disbelief for a second and explore what’s possible (Battlestar Galactica, Firefly).

People romanticize Old Hollywood.  There’s a reason.

That’s, like, beautiful.  I want to go to there.

Now it’s 2011 and Hollywood is not romanticized.  

Hmm…

Now I’m not here to argue how the sexual revolution ruined Hollywood or that sexuality is bad.  Sexuality is in fact very awesome.  The problem is not that Kim Kardashian is wearing some sort of corsety milk maid thing and that she should look more like Jeanette MacDonald.  The problem isn’t that there aren’t any more handsome leading men like Clark Gable anymore - Jon Hamm begs to differ.  And the last thing I would ever argue is that women need to “be women” or that men need to “be men”.  (Tangent: what does that even mean, anyway?  No matter what I’m doing I’m still being a woman…)  The point I’m trying to make here is that far more than anything, technology has changed who can be a celebrity, how they get there and most importantly how (and whether) they get kicked out.

Kim Kardashian making a sex tape isn’t what made her famous.  The distribution of her sex tape did - the ease with which every Joe Six Pack could get on his computer and watch a D-list bombshell have sex with the D-list brother of another D-list singer.  Having cool hair and an insight into what tweens want didn’t make Justin Bieber famous - YouTube did.  Well, and Usher.   And Charlie Sheen?  He’d be doing his 52-week court ordered domestic violence rehabilitation program for the fourth time if he wasn’t too busy “duh, winning”, getting fired and crafting some awfully boring and incoherent vlogs.  Even getting FIRED doesn’t ruin these peoples careers - especially if they explode on Twitter.  Charlie Sheen, meet Conan O’Brien, someone who is actually bi-winning. 

Part of the allure of Old Hollywood was the mystery, the daydreaming of what it would be like to have Cary Grant kiss you goodbye or drink a cocktail with Jayne Mansfield.  Rather than seeing grainy photos in the newspaper of stars on the red carpet we’ve got four hours of red carpet “coverage” on multiple channels, not to mention all kinds of backstage footage.  Were there even behind the scenes specials back then?  Rather than humanizing celebrities and making them easier to relate to all we’re doing is exposing how boring they are.  The only stars who are interesting are the ones who are falling.  No one wants to see a celebrity succeed.  We’re bloodthirsty.  We demand suffering. 

When Marilyn Monroe’s death happened on Mad Men, the female characters were grief stricken.  Joan Holloway (or was she Harris by that time?) was particularly affected.  She saw a lot of herself in Marilyn - someone who was prized for her beauty and curvaceousness, someone who seemed so blessed but was so bitterly lonely and disconnected.  She was screaming for help and no one listened.  Chuck Klosterman wrote that Marilyn “personified every beautiful/crazy/sexy/suicidal woman I’d ever met”.  He went on the clarify, “and you know the kind of person I’m referring to - this is the kind of girl who is depressed by the irrational notion that men only want her for her physical appearance but who still cannot shake the equally irrational fear that she is somehow overweight and repulsive.” 

When Marilyn took her own life, Joan cried.  I would imagine a lot of people cried.  Because Marilyn was what we thought we wanted to be.  As it turns out she was in fact who we are - beautiful/crazy/sexy/suicidal.  And now that we know that about her and about ourselves, we no longer care.  We’re cynical and we’re taking it out on Lindsey Lohan and Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton and every beautiful/crazy/sexy/suicidal starlet (the men seem to remain immune to our projected self-loathing).  Anyway, if Lindsey ends up going the way of Marilyn I doubt anyone will make the connection.  Because Lindsey brought it upon herself.  And we know that’s true because we saw it on TV.