There are two kinds of people in this world: people who have seen Star Wars and people who haven’t. We take the former for granted but I can assure you, the latter exists.
I have met two (TWO!) people who have never seen Star Wars. Ever. The first time I was dumbfounded. People cling to a lot of different things to try to make sense of a tragedy and I did all I could to try to rationalize why this had happened. This particular person, we’ll call him “Bobby” in order to protect his identity, was on the younger side so at first I thought perhaps a generational difference was to blame. Maybe we are so far removed, chronologically speaking, from the Star Wars films that they just were not a staple of Bobby’s childhood like they were for the rest of us.
The second time wasn’t any easier to understand. This time I was speaking with a peer, a man my age named “Steven”. Steven doesn’t have the attention span for trilogies. At this point, Steven has gone so long without seeing the films that he refuses to watch them out of some bizarre principle of commitment to missing out on awesomeness. Imagine, a twenty-something male who is committed to never watching Star Wars. Inconceivable!
So what’s going on here? Is Star Wars not relevant for young people? Is Star Wars no longer relevant at all? Is it time to move on?
The truth is that between Episodes I-III, the Clone Wars animated series, the revamping of the Star Tours ride at Disneyland, the toys and games and video games and the saturation of the themes/quotes/images into our collective cultural psyche, the goings on in a galaxy far, far away are still relevant and have always been (and forever will be!). And even without the Clone Wars, Star Wars is a FUCKING CULTURAL TOUCHSTONE BY WHICH ALL SUBSEQUENT EVERYTHING IS COMPARED TO.
In the end I am COMPLETELY FASCINATED with these people. I want to put Bobby and Steven in a room and do psychological experiments on them. Do they react to external stimuli the same way someone who has seen Star Wars would? Would they interpret R2’s bleep-bloop emotional expressions in some unusual way? Do they understand the difference between good and evil?
I can’t in good conscience take credit for the term Box-Set Evangelist - someone else came up with that one. But I will in good conscience preach it.
I have spent actual time - valuable and unrewable time - of my life analyzing my obsession with Ice-T and his wife Coco . What started as an appreciation for Ice’s work on SVU and a curiosity about Coco’s otherworldly derrier has turned into compulsively following each tweet, viewing every single Titty Tuesday and Thong Thursday photo and wanting desperately to be in the FLTG like it was my ticket to success.
On a side note, I’ve learned via Ice’s twitter feed that simply following him is enough to be a part of the FLTG but I’m convinced that you aren’t a true member until he interacts with you. Ice recently tweeted about how awesome late-night cereal is and I thought, damn this is my opportunity for interaction! I tried to @ him about how bomb Frosted Mini Wheats are but I was beat out by some dude with Lucky Charms tattoos. It was valid, but I was jealous. I was also jealous when Ice got a shoutout from the Captain Crunch himself. So awesome. #cerealFTW
Anyway, I digress. The point is that Ice-T and Coco are exactly the type of celebrities that I’d love to hang out with. Everything they say on twitter seems to be particularly genuine, like they don’t have an agenda and are just tweeting it like they see it. Ice-T and Coco are regular people, just like us!! Example: Ice recently got locked out of his house and was very glad to have retained his hood skills as he was able to break back in no problem. He also LOVES video games. Meanwhile Coco is working out like a fiend, has amazing nails and enjoys taking her dog to the park. The thing I love about this is that regular people play video games and get mani/pedis and then tweet about it. So besides the fact that Ice is a rap icon who plays a cop on TV and that Coco is a model with a BANGIN body, they’re sort of just like us.
Well, just like us but way more awesome.
Making lists really turns me on but you know what isn’t sexy? Depression. It’s Nega Sexy. Depression FTL.
If you’re like me, then you’re probably familiar with the cold shower that is depression. If you’re really like me then you have the added benefit of being a former goth/emo kid and therefore having a lot of feelings. So what’s a nerd to do?
- Have orgasms - It’s a known fact that orgasms alleviate anxiety, migraines, the common cold, several types of drug resistant cancer, restless leg syndrome, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea…and depression. If you’re luck enough to be an attractive, confident AND socially graceful person (but let’s face it, you’re not) then maybe you can find someone willing to assist you in the process. But since you’re a total nerd you’re probably just going to end up masturbating to whatever lame fantasy you’ve concocted (Renaissance Fair, ‘78, I’m a gypsy and you’re an archer, you’re drinking mead and eating a turkey leg, I’m making a crown of flowers and adjusting my ankle bells…it’s all downhill from there). Your secret is safe with me.
- Express nerd solidarity - All we have is each other, people. And we don’t even have to interact IRL because nerd solidarity is best experienced on the internet. And I get really uncomfortable in social situations.
- Watch that same damn movie/TV series for the billionth time - There is never a point in my life where I am not watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The familiar sure is comforting.
- Cosplay - Cosplay is totally the best because you get to be whoever/whatever you want that’s not you. Awesome. It’s like Halloween except ALL THE TIME. Plus: role playing. My mind is heading back to Renaissance Fair ‘78…
- Express nerd superiority - Victory is when you make a reference to something and the people around you don’t get it. It’s sort of like what hipsters do but less fashionable. Trust me, those n00bz totally deserve it.
- Collect things - Whatever your thing is - DVD box sets, limited edition prints, action figures, rarities & b sides - collect the fuck out of that shit. You will swell with pride every time you gaze upon your treasure trove. Your friends will probably be really jealous.
So snap out of it, kiddo! Realize how frakkin’ sweet you are and you’ll get past it. It’s hard out there for a nerd but like I said, we’ve got each other. And together, we can rule the galaxy.
So a lady friend proposed the age-old question regarding awesome female superheroes and the lacking of. Having just ranted at length about the fallacy of Sucker Punch and after spending last night dressed like this:
I reached the conclusion that Mother Monster herself, Lady Gaga, is in fact a modern, badass female superhero. Bonus points for being nonfictional.
Say what you will about her songs, her posturing, her outrageousness or her originality. Everything that has ever been done has been done before and will be done again, and better. That’s not the point. Lady Gaga is not just a pop star or a performer, she IS the performance. She has created an entire existance around her music, her art and her vision. She has abandoned Clark Kent and decided to be Super(wo)man 24/7. Alter egos are for cowards and Gaga is no coward.
Despite her bravery, she has the kind of origin story that’s just as good as Peter Parker’s. Teased and bullied in school for being “too _______”, Gaga found within herself the power of performance. She built a stage, recruited Little Monsters, and reclaimed her too muchness for the power of good. Aside from being a strong advocate and ally for the LGBT community, she is a reminder for all of us freaks, geeks, weirdos and crazies that we are not alone and that we are loved. Can’t think of any superheroes that could pull off that shit.
Several times throughout her set last night she told us how gorgeous we were, how amazing we were and how honored and blessed she is to have us on her side. She said that if she could give it all away and still keep her Little Monters, she would. She said that the Monster Ball was a place where we could fully and truly be ourselves. And that we could create a world where the Monster Ball was all the time - a world where we could be genuine, be safe. That if we could make a superstar out of her, then we could make superstars out of ourselves. That we were on the right track, baby. That we were Born This Way.
I believe her.
Had your fill of scathing reviews of Zach Snyder’s Sucker Punch yet? Clearly not since you’re still reading this. Also, spoiler alert (but you seriously shouldn’t care).
Sucker Punch was a particularly somber piece of film and yet here I am one week later still thinking about it. Intrusive thoughts, anger, nightmares, heightened startle response, internet rants about misogyny….am I having post traumatic stress?
Ok so let’s get started at the beginning, where all little films that could gain buzz and pre-release hype: advertising. Comic Con 2010 had a little panel for the film featuring Zach Snyder and many of the “badass babes” “starring” in the “movie”. People then proceeded to put their feet in their mouths during this and say the following bullshit (quotations added, for emphasis of bullshit):
- It would be great without any of the “action”
- That each character’s “dance moves” are “important” and “integral” to their “personas”
- Snyder was credited for creating “multi-dimensional women” and he “writes awesome characters” for women to “play”
- Sucker Punch is like Alice in Wonderland meets One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Ok, whatever. Then the promo shots start coming out and if you were to take a gander at the poster above you might think it’s a a bit hypersexualized but really what isn’t these days and at least these women have mastered robotics. You will be unprepared for just how far women have come in shattering the technological glass ceiling.
Now, notice the promo shot below.
Holy shit that’s Vanessa Hudgens pretending to be Ramona Flowers. That’s deserving of some side eye, don’t you think?
And then they went and gave Jena Malone THE WORST hair and accessories.
Totally. And isn’t that the girl from The Real World: San Diego? She fights via lollipop power (oral fixations make boys nervous and compliant!).
Left to right: “Amber” from Sucker Punch, Robin (she punched a Marine in PB or something!), Braaaaaaad NO!, Cameran (she said that thing about Brad, it was funny for a few seconds), Randy (I don’t remember anything about him….), Jacquese (He and “Amber” had a ‘Let’s be chill watch these white people act crazy’ approach to the show), Frankie (she died of cystic fibrosis, that was sad), Charlie (or is that Randy?? I don’t remember anything about either of those boys).
Back to that promo shot - notice how behind all of these scantily clad soldier ladies there is….an old dude. Wait, he’s not like some “Wise Man” who serves as a guide to give the ladies vague instructions, is he?
Anyway, then I go to see the movie and I’m more than willing to give it a shot, Jon Bon Jovi style. I mean, 300 and Watchmen were rad. And I didn’t see that owl movie but neither did anyone else so we can all pretend that it never happened. Either way I had faith that this movie was actually going to be visually stunning and a compellingly written story about women kicking ass and fighting back and starting a revolution. Sigh. Even the soundtrack wasn’t original material.
In conclusion, I have questions:
- How is it OK that Babydoll is named Babydoll and is clearly infantilizing female sexuality? Chris Hansen wants you to have a seat right over there…
- Why couldn’t Babydoll have come up with this plan on her own? Did she HAVE to have some old man explain it to her? Where’s the empowerment in that?
- So Babydoll creates a fantasy world to escape the mental institution. OK. And in that fantasy world her and her fellow inmates are….forcibly prostituted (read: RAPED A WHOLE BUNCH)? What?
- And in that fantasy world, Babydoll’s most significant contribution is her ability to strip? She has to delve one fantasy world deeper in order to learn choreographed fight sequences? Ugh.
- And about those fight sequences, I get that the women HAVE to be sexualized in order for them to be appealing to mass audiences (because seriously, ladies, if you aren’t masturbation fodder then you aren’t worth much) but can’t they at least break a sweat when fighting? Maybe have their hair get a bit tousled? A scratch? A grunt? An expression of….anything?
- Babydoll’s true liberation was her lobotomy. She had to become totally brain dead in order to make a difference. Come again? Is martyrdom the only way to bring about change?
- Even after Babydoll’s martyrdom, JON HAMM turns out to be the real hero of the story. Because he noticed a forged signature. Seriously??
- Rocket and Sweet Pea were the only “interesting characters” in the bunch - why couldn’t we have learned more about them? Why did Rocket leave home? Why did Sweet Pea follow? How did they both end up there?
- So, rape. Having sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you. How is that sexy?
- I miss Buffy. That’s not really a question, but is it too much to ask for some well-rounded, complex and actually badass female sheroes for me to relate to? Women who have, y’know, thoughts and desires and the ability to make plans? There, I made it a question.
And then after a whole bunch of posturing and asking some lame ass questions about monsters and death and keys, we’re left with one final statement - nay, command:
It’s you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight.
Yes, weapons. Like skin. And breasts. Hips, ass, wide-eyed empty expressions, revealing outfits, stripping and the plans THEY give you. Use those weapons. But not too strenuously cause then you won’t look pleasing to them anymore. And don’t use those weapons against THEM! At least not in the real world. No, make up some fake steampunk zombies and fight those. And actually, most of you are going to die anyway, so really why bother?
Since I’m clearly the expert on dating and the art of seduction I thought it might be helpful for all you lonely losers to read some tips on getting that Nerd Girl to be all up ons you. Feel free to print this out and carry it in your wallet right next to the condom you better have cause I ain’t tryin to pay $20 a month for birth control AND be expected to have condoms, shoot.
1. Don’t let a Nerd Girl’s pop culture references fall flat.
Most of us are patient, understanding people and we really want to forgive the fact that you’ve never seen Mean Girls or can’t identify mutants on an X-Men family tree. But when it comes down to it we are totally judging you for not understanding what we mean when we say “CHAAAAALIE, we’ve got to save the baybee!” Obviously you are not a golfer. If a Nerd Girl has in fact spoken in a language you don’t understand, use it as an opportunity to show how open you are to exploring your own nerdom. For example, the next time a Nerd Girl drops some sweet quotage in your lap and you’re not getting it, speak up. Don’t smile and nod, just say “I don’t get it.” And when a Nerd Girl responds with a scathing, “Duh, it’s from Battlestar Galactica! You’ve never seen Battlestar Galactica?! What the frak!” be prepared to say, “No, but I’ve always been curious! Want to watch it with me?”. Not only does this show to a Nerd Girl that you are down to expand your horizons but it also provides ample opportunity for more hangouts and, y’know, sex.
2. On that note, recognize that Nerd Girls are not turned on by the same stuff as everyone else.
So when you go over to a Nerd Girl’s house to watch Battlestar Galactica for the first time and after the first couple episodes you say, “Wow this show is awesome! I can’t believe I had never seen it before!” she will be very aroused. Bonus points for making an effort to explore her media collection. Nerd Girls are way into like mindedness and if you also happen to own the Lord of the Rings trilogy in theatrical release AND extended edition then you are probably in.
3. Nerd Girls are not “cool” people (duh). But Nerd Girls are also uninterested in being fetishized for it.
The last thing a Nerd Girl wants is some bridge-and-tunnel juicehead all up in her space talking about how awesome Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was. Nerd Girls are not your one-time escape from the norm, nor are they your dirty little secret. Nerd Girls are a lifestyle, not an experiment.
4. Expect to spend a lot of time in front of screens and be really psyched about it.
Any Nerd Girl is gonna be in her element in front of a television, computer or movie screen. Yeah we like to get out every once in a while but we know we’re going to learn a whole lot about you by observing your reactions to Firefly (and yes, you’re being tested). If movie marathons on a Saturday night sounds like a missed opportunity to beat some beats then perhaps a Nerd Girl isn’t for you.
5. Nerd Girls do on occasion socialize - with other nerds. Be prepared.
When you meet a Nerd Girl’s Nerd Posse, all the rules still apply. Your Nerd Girl’s friends will probably be determining whether you are good for her based on whether you are a Luke or a Han. Now the concern isn’t actually whether you are Luke or a Han but that you can identify with either character accurately based on your vast knowledge of their personality traits. See what I’m saying?
6. Err on the side of nontraditional.
When it comes to going out on dates, a Nerd Girl may be unimpressed with the ordinary. Try taking her to a trivia night, a sci-fi themed art show or the local independent theater’s tribute to zombie cinema. Try to avoid places with many screens playing sports - Nerd Girls love screens, but not usually when there are sports on them. If having drinks, take her somewhere that caters to the weirds of the world. In other words, no jello shots and no Miller Lite on tap. Think outside the box, people.
7. Don’t be a douchebag.
This one is pretty obvious but think about it, chances are a Nerd Girl was tormetened during her adolescence by her peers and is not interested in hanging around with the older versions of those people. Avoid making derogatory comments about crazy people, weird people and awkward people. It seems like common sense but a Nerd Girl is likely to take these comments personally.
8. Don’t reminisce about how awesome YOUR adolesence was.
This seems obvious too but a Nerd Girl doesn’t want to hear about how much fun you had in high school and that you were captain of the _______ team and in the homecoming court every year. This is only going to place you into the category of the aforementioned people who made fun of her. Instead, talk about your own embarassing or awkward moments because chances are she is going to seriously relate to that stuff.
9. You will probably come second place to certain nerd activities. Don’t take it personally.
A Nerd Girl is likely to dedicate vast amounts of time to doing nerd things and you may feel jilted. The important thing is to support your Nerd Girl in all of her nerd endeavors and to not make her feel guilty for choosing to blog over hang out with you. Remember: a Nerd Girl has always and will always be a Nerd Girl and THAT is where her loyalties will lie.
10. Have a sense of humor and don’t be afraid to embarass yourself in public.
Sometimes Nerd Girls will completely say/do the wrong thing in public and you have to be willing to a) stand behind her and b) be included in the embarassment. Don’t exclude a Nerd Girl from social activities on the grounds that she might act like a weirdo and be awkward. Additionally, many Nerd Girls are way into cosplay and may want to dress up as Rogue and Gambit for Halloween. It’s called compromise.
Now go out there and win over some reluctant Nerd Girls with your wit, charm and spontaneity. If it’s a world you haven’t explored yet, give it a shot. Trust when I say Nerd Girls are where it’s at. Once you go nerd, you’ll never go back to the herd.
God that was a stretch.
It is entirely possible to create clever and intelligent film/television about aliens (The X-Files, District 9). It’s even possible to make ‘stupid’ alien movies that are stylish (The Faculty), have a sense of humor (Starship Troopers) and stellar ensemble casting (Mars Attacks!). But instead we mostly have bad movies made worse by aliens (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull) or movies made from great source material that leave out aliens altogether in exchange for simpler resolutions (Watchmen). It seems like aliens have been relegated to being destroyers of Earth by way of explosions! and fire! and technology! (Independence Day, Battle: Los Angeles, Skyline) but what about aliens who destroy from within via manipulation and, like, spying and sleeper agents and stuff (V)? Or aliens who are just looking for a good time (Paul)? Or aliens that just want to go home (E.T.)? How speciesist of us to assume that aliens are showoffs and gun-happy. Aliens deserve better. WE deserve better!
So, writers and directors and studio executives and such, listen up. Make more smart alien flicks, more compelling science fiction. And the rest of you, try suspending disbelief for a second and explore what’s possible (Battlestar Galactica, Firefly).
People romanticize Old Hollywood. There’s a reason.
That’s, like, beautiful. I want to go to there.
Now it’s 2011 and Hollywood is not romanticized.
Now I’m not here to argue how the sexual revolution ruined Hollywood or that sexuality is bad. Sexuality is in fact very awesome. The problem is not that Kim Kardashian is wearing some sort of corsety milk maid thing and that she should look more like Jeanette MacDonald. The problem isn’t that there aren’t any more handsome leading men like Clark Gable anymore - Jon Hamm begs to differ. And the last thing I would ever argue is that women need to “be women” or that men need to “be men”. (Tangent: what does that even mean, anyway? No matter what I’m doing I’m still being a woman…) The point I’m trying to make here is that far more than anything, technology has changed who can be a celebrity, how they get there and most importantly how (and whether) they get kicked out.
Kim Kardashian making a sex tape isn’t what made her famous. The distribution of her sex tape did - the ease with which every Joe Six Pack could get on his computer and watch a D-list bombshell have sex with the D-list brother of another D-list singer. Having cool hair and an insight into what tweens want didn’t make Justin Bieber famous - YouTube did. Well, and Usher. And Charlie Sheen? He’d be doing his 52-week court ordered domestic violence rehabilitation program for the fourth time if he wasn’t too busy “duh, winning”, getting fired and crafting some awfully boring and incoherent vlogs. Even getting FIRED doesn’t ruin these peoples careers - especially if they explode on Twitter. Charlie Sheen, meet Conan O’Brien, someone who is actually bi-winning.
Part of the allure of Old Hollywood was the mystery, the daydreaming of what it would be like to have Cary Grant kiss you goodbye or drink a cocktail with Jayne Mansfield. Rather than seeing grainy photos in the newspaper of stars on the red carpet we’ve got four hours of red carpet “coverage” on multiple channels, not to mention all kinds of backstage footage. Were there even behind the scenes specials back then? Rather than humanizing celebrities and making them easier to relate to all we’re doing is exposing how boring they are. The only stars who are interesting are the ones who are falling. No one wants to see a celebrity succeed. We’re bloodthirsty. We demand suffering.
When Marilyn Monroe’s death happened on Mad Men, the female characters were grief stricken. Joan Holloway (or was she Harris by that time?) was particularly affected. She saw a lot of herself in Marilyn - someone who was prized for her beauty and curvaceousness, someone who seemed so blessed but was so bitterly lonely and disconnected. She was screaming for help and no one listened. Chuck Klosterman wrote that Marilyn “personified every beautiful/crazy/sexy/suicidal woman I’d ever met”. He went on the clarify, “and you know the kind of person I’m referring to - this is the kind of girl who is depressed by the irrational notion that men only want her for her physical appearance but who still cannot shake the equally irrational fear that she is somehow overweight and repulsive.”
When Marilyn took her own life, Joan cried. I would imagine a lot of people cried. Because Marilyn was what we thought we wanted to be. As it turns out she was in fact who we are - beautiful/crazy/sexy/suicidal. And now that we know that about her and about ourselves, we no longer care. We’re cynical and we’re taking it out on Lindsey Lohan and Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton and every beautiful/crazy/sexy/suicidal starlet (the men seem to remain immune to our projected self-loathing). Anyway, if Lindsey ends up going the way of Marilyn I doubt anyone will make the connection. Because Lindsey brought it upon herself. And we know that’s true because we saw it on TV.
Now that Christmas is over, can we all just go back to hating each other? Here’s a look at the hottest fueds of the moment:
When you hit your partner on camera knowing that it is going to be broadcast nationally, you are a moron. I can’t imagine the stress of being a teen mom but, y’know, take a kickboxing class or go jogging or something. Don’t hit your baby daddy. Domestic violence works boths ways.
Tensions are as high as a Real Housewives reunion show between these two countries of which some of us can’t tell the difference. Send Andy Cohen over there IMMEDIATELY. He can diffuse any situation!
While the rest of you losers are starting to consider eating your family and/or roommates for sustenance, it’s 63 degrees and sunny here in San Diego, CA. Clearly you are all way behind on the Manifest Destiny thing.
Natalie Portman broke the hearts of hetero men everywhere by getting engaged to and knocked up by a guy who is probably significantly hotter than hetero men anywhere. It’s just a matter of time before you guys all give up on life and settle for me. I can wait.
They always look like they’re smiling because they’re plotting their human takeover, you idiot.
This explains a lot.
I can’t help myself, you guys. I am kind of in love with the demure goddess that is Mrs. Ice T and her otherworldly ass. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but when your heart says yes your mind rarely has the power to say no. So to you, Coco, I say YES! Thong Thursday makes the world go round!
So apparently the Czech Republic is such a haven for the gays that people have been seeking asylum from other, less gay-friendly countries. The catch is you have to watch gay porn and have your dick measured for erectness to make sure you aren’t lying about being gay. You can’t just have gay people immigrating left and right into your country without seeing their identifying papers/erections! Bonus: the doctor who performed these tests? Dr. Trojan. Sigh…
1) Comic Con 2010
This is kind of a given. Panels attended: V, Dexter, Showtime Anti-Heroes (feat. David Duchovny and Mary Louise-Parker), Family Guy, Simpsons. Shit purchased: Uglydolls, Buffy skin for my laptop. Free swag: The Walking Dead button, fake vampire teeth, Dexter temporary tattoos.
2) Scott Pilgrim vs The World
Could a more perfect film exist? This movie blended all my favorite things into one delicious pop culture smoothie and I spent much of 2010 convincing my friends that, yeah, you really should go see this movie. Scott Pilgrim was made for US.
3) Lost’s final season
Say what you will about the Sideways world, and yeah we never did find out what was up with the toe thing, but Lost’s final season brought a seriously major pop cultural touchstone to a close. Plus: VINCENT. Oh, I cried!
4) The Walking Dead
Much like Lost’s finale, The Walking Dead’s first six episodes were polarizing. Blood-n-guts types wanted more blood-n-guts, naturally, and complained thoroughly about how “boring” the show was. And while I will admit that the storytelling was disjointed and the pacing was all over the place, THIS SHOW SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Zombies….shudder. In the wake of the writing staff being let go I can only hope that the next installment will find it’s footing and be that mixture of blood-n-guts and the psychology of human survival that we all want it to be.
5) Tauntaun sleeping bag
Ok, I know these things have been around pre-2010 but I didn’t discover them until 2010 and I really really wanted to include them in this list. I mean, come on. It’s a TAUNTAUN SLEEPING BAG! And the insides look like guts! And the zipper is a light saber! And the head doubles as a pillow! If I ever get married I’m putting this in my registry and whoever buys it for me wins my love forever.
Chloe Moritz, you had me at “Ok you cunts….let’s see what you can do.” You had me.
7) Buffy without Joss Whedon
Whedonites shit a collective brick when it was announced that someone who is NOT Joss Whedon was tapped to write a Buffy the Vampire Slayer reboot movie. Whedon-related hashtags trended on Twitter. We all ranted and went crazy. Whedon himself responded with much snark. The true test of how outraged we all are is when/if this movie is released if we all go to see it. My obligation to the Buffyverse is strong. But my duty to Whendonverse…is it stronger?
8) Watching boys play Mega Man 2 at a holiday party instead of, y’know, partying
Yeah, that happened. I also correctly identified the above creature as an angler fish. When challenged, I promptly did a Google image search to prove my point.
9) Harry Potter & The Deathy Hallows: Part I
Hermione Granger, you are so fucking badass. Love you.
10) Finally getting to all those hours of documentary footage on the extended editions of all three Lord of the Rings movies; thinking of drinking games.
There was a dark, dark period in my life where I had not cable nor internet at my apartment. It was about a week or so. I used this time to finally watch all those hours of documentary footage on the Lord of the Rings extended edition. I will repeat: hours of documentary footage.
Also, if there were a drinking game where you drank every time Frodo and Sam made googly eyes at each other, how far into the saga would you get before passing out? My guess: Weathertop.
The South Park Goth Kids
These kids are so sadly underused on this show. Some of my favorite quotes:
“You can’t be a nonconformist if you don’t drink coffee!”
“Why don’t you go back to your Justin Timberlake and your homework you conformist asshole. You don’t know what real pain is.”
“Who needs that Ken and Barbie love anyway? Everyone’s just walking around like a bunch of conformists. Go ahead and wear your business suits so you can make $34,000 a year and buy your condominium. They’re all zombies racing for their graves.”
“We don’t dance like those Britney and Justin wannabes at school. Goth kids dance to express pain and suffering.” “Yeah, the only cool way to dance is to keep your hands at your sides and your eyes looking at the ground. Then every three seconds you take a drag of your cigarette.”
“Let’s face it, they bogarted our style. Everyone’s gonna think we’re butthole vampire kids now. We might as well go to the Gap and buy normal clothes.”
“Whoa whoa, dude. Those last two lines aren’t goth!” “They’re not?” “No, dude! You can’t say ‘I miss you so much babe. I wanna hold you in my arms.’ Make it ‘I miss seeing you so much I wanna slice my eyes out with razor blades.”
The most important thing that happened this week:
Every once in a while the clouds part and beams of shiny light rain down on you and then your friend offers you $100 to walk his dog over the holiday so you can afford to go to Los Angeles for two nights of bone-shatteringly awesome live music.
Feb 25 / Max Bemis solo acoustic / Troubadour
Feb 26 / Josh Ritter / The Music Box
I refuse to believe this scheduling is coincidental.
Other important things that happened this week:
- Mariah Carey is having twins. Nick Cannon said so on his radio show.
- The final episode of Larry King Live is tonight. I have never seen a single episode of that show ever. But sometimes clips would show up on The Soup so I guess I’ll miss that.
- The Bamboozle festival announced their lineup of bands that are no longer relevant and that you’re surprised to know still exist. And Insane Clown Posse, which we all know to be incredibly relevant.
- Facebook went down for a bit on Thursday because of something called “Memories” which is sure to do nothing but remind you of your ex and all the embarassing status updates you made about your broken heart. Also in Facebook news, a 103 year old lady in England was outed by the media as the site’s oldest user. She has since received about a thousand friend requests. Bonus: she uses an iPad!
- Michael Moore and friends said some stupid shit about Julian Assange and feminists got PISSED.
- Winona Ryder was all like, ‘Yeah Mel Gibson’s crazy racism dates way back into the 90’s, he hates Jews and stuff for real’.
- NOBODY saw ‘The Tourist’.
And that’s your report from the front lines of pop culture. Buffy out.